Stairway to the Stars

Of all the cultural differences I have noticed here, only one springs to mind that causes a physical outburst. It begins with KFC. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but I recall the traditional sides of KFC being mashed potatoes, mac 'n' cheese, and biscuits (with or without gravy). However, here in Belfast, there is an absence of those beautiful, heart killing, sides. I could honestly get over the lack of potatoes (as if you need MORE of those in Ireland, with the exception of the famine) and mac 'n' cheese. It is the biscuits that gets to me. Here is the basic problem. In Northern Ireland - and what I have concluded to be the greater UK area- a biscuit is not the fluffy, buttery concoction that springs to mind for the average US citizen. A biscuit here is something close to, what I imagine, the love child of a graham cracker and a butter cookie would look like. I have tried multiple times, unsuccessfully, to describe the idea of a good southern biscuit and every time I find myself confronted with a thoroughly confused person. They just don't get the concept. I find myself wanting to angrily confront the managers of KFC, as if by demanding biscuits they would admit that it is a cruel joke and they only pretend not to serve biscuits. Alas, I am doomed to long for an American biscuit.

But onto other, even more minute topics.

I have a personal belief that stairs, particularly those spirally kind, were invented as a cruel joke. I bring this up because I, personally,have a large difficulty with stairs. I fall up stairs with a skill like never seen before. I flounder, I trip, I mysteriously lose balance, I am visually tricked - all ends in pain. This "condition" has become even more clear to me since I have moved to Northern Ireland. Specifically, since I have moved to the third floor of 76 Malone, Belfast*. 

You see, as my room is located on the top floor, I walk up a lot of stairs. But not just any stairs. The twisty spiral kind. The kind that makes you stare at your feet with a concentration unlike ever you have known. This is because architects thought it would be funny to make a stair with two different widths, making it increasingly difficult to walk up. One mistake and BAM! Down you go. I might add that falling on spiral stairs is much worse than the regular stair. On a nice, homely stair, you fall forward and run the risk of getting a sightly bruise on your chin and some lovely accessories on your knees. But, fall on a spiral stair and disaster strikes. First of all, you are more likely to hit the wall when you fall on these twisty traps because, well, the wall follows the movement of the stairs and creates a much shorter face/body to wall distance. Secondly, it is much easier to tumble backwards on these types of stairs because other parts of the stair - primarily the railing - are much closer. I should say that all of this data comes from a series of , ever increasing, tests done by yours truly. Also, I have conducted quite a few experiments that include the consequences of falling up twisty stairs while holding things; ex. Books, toiletries, and laundry. (While the addition of textbook will cause the most physical pain, nothing quite replaces the shame of having to retrieve you under-garments from the stairs. On the other hand, the "omph" noises that go hand in hand with stair catastrophes are nicely muffled by the laundry; I suggest towels for the best result as, again, lacy things only result in more embarrassment.)

This would be the point, if we were in a movie, where a lovely montage of myself tumbling down stairs, up stairs, and other such accidents, would be included. Take a minute to fulling appreciate this virtual insertion. Add some nice background music for the full effect - I suggest "I Get Knocked Down (But I Get Up Again)". And that, my friends, is why the title of this blog is particularly well chosen. For, every time I use the stairs, I end up seeing stars.

Kelsey

*On a side note: Something I have discovered here is how important the definition of "first floor" is. If you, like myself, would define the first floor as the one you walk on when you enter a building you might find yourself confused in the average Northern Ireland department store. Here the first floor is the floor you reach when you go one story above the entry level area - or the "ground level". You may be thinking to yourself, "Silly Kelsey, how could you define floors in any other way?" But let me tell you - it gets confusing.